Cocaine in a Can: The Energy Drink That’s Made Blow Barely Legal

Get that straw out of your nose. You can put it in your mouth instead.

Because if you want to get high, then this little can of liquid crack should do it. Three and a half times the caffeine of Red Bull.

Three and a half times!

And you know how coke kinda closes up and numbs your throat? Cocaine Energy Drink will do that too. Burns a little as well.

And you know how coke is… less than legal? Yeah, Cocaine Energy Drink was that too.

Literally marketed as “The Legal Alternative,” Cocaine Energy Drink was banned in 2007, less than a year after the product’s release.

With a logo resembling the pretty white powder a little too closely and a ballsy marketing campaign conceived of and backed by the company’s founder and product’s key pusherman, Jamey Kirby, anti-druggists were immediately up-in-arms and ready to send Jamey and his Cocaine packin’.

But little ol’ Jamey meant no harm. He just felt “the world is ready for a beverage named after an illegal drug.”

And so, he set to creating a drink whose packaging appeared sprinkled in roughly-cut lines of white powder and that induced a 15-minute mild euphoria enhanced by a throat-numbing sensation followed a by five to six hour energy buzz.

What’s so immoral about that?

It does sound strangely familiar. And upon the product’s release, Jamey referred to consumption of the drink as “doing Cocaine.”

And so, just as the marketing campaign swept the country and sold a gajillion units, it was banned.

And renamed, repackaged, and re-released.

This time in an arguably even more brilliant scheme than the original, Cocaine was reborn as “Censored” before it was renamed once again as “No Name Energy Drink” featuring a clean white label inviting fans to scribble in their own names for the drink.

The new line included three versions of the drink. Cocaine Energy Drink: Original featured the spicy burn-your-throat flavor. Cocaine Energy Drink: Cut eliminated the throat sensation (like free-basing!). And Cocaine Energy Drink: Free was a sugarless version for those Kate Moss type cokeheads out there.

Cocaine Cut was eventually removed for the same reason the original product was, and was replaced by a blue can to differentiate it from the original drink’s red can.

So where does Cocaine Energy Drink stand now?

It continues to cause controversy as the initial hype has lessened amongst all sectors of the product’s market except for the teens who understandably find “doing Cocaine” infinitely cool and exciting.

With the energy drink containing about the same amount of caffeine per ounce as espresso, but in a can that holds a whole lot more than an espresso shot glass, I wonder how those teenagers feel after their five hours are up.

And how’s Kirby doing?

Laughing all the way to the bank, I should imagine.

I personally think the marketing is genius, but I’m not falling for it.

My heart already belongs to a giant corporation that pushes dangerous levels of sugar and caffeine to smiling children and adults everywhere via an over-hyped and brilliantly-marketed product also named after a familiar narcotic.

It’s called Coke.

*Still Wanna Try Cocaine?*

Very few places still have the balls to sell this stuff. Check out one of the last remaining sites: click the link below, scroll down on the left to the bottom of the menu where it says “Caffeine” then click “Energy Drinks”. Enjoy! And don’t come crying to me when you develop a coke habit…

CLICK HERE to buy Cocaine Energy Drink

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by Chloe Delano on October 8, 2009 · 2 comments

tagged as cocaine energy drink, energy drink, energy drinks in Energy Drink Brands, Energy Drinks for Concerned Skeptics